There are moments in life that change us forever, leaving imprints on our hearts that time cannot erase. As a reproductive mental health therapist, I've had the honor to support those whose lives have been touched by pregnancy and infant loss. This month, dedicated to awareness of these experiences, offers us a moment to pause, to honor, and to remember.
If you're reading this and carrying the weight of such a loss, I want you to know that you're seen. Your feelings—whatever they may be—are valid. Your baby's life, no matter how brief, has significance and matters.
Understanding Grief: The "Growing Around Grief" Model
In my practice, I often lean into Lois Tonkin's "Growing Around Grief" model to support clients in their experiences. This model offers a unique and comforting perspective on grief, especially for those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
Imagine your life as a tree. At the heart of this tree is a scar, representing a loss you've experienced. This scar, much like your loss, becomes part of you. It's a permanent mark, changing you and potentially altering the course of your life. But here's the beautiful part - your life, like the tree, continues to grow in spite of the scar.
The Four Parts of the "Growing Around Grief" Model
The Tree: Your life is the tree itself. It continues to cultivate, even in the presence of significant loss. This growth is a testament to your resilience, your ability to persevere through even the deepest pain.
The Scar: This represents your loss - the baby you didn't get to bring home or the future you had envisioned. It's a permanent part of your history, shaping who you are.
New Growth: Even with the scar, new branches sprout, leaves unfurl, and flowers may bloom. This signifies your capacity for personal growth and the potential for new experiences, even after loss.
Integration: The scar remains, never disappearing. Instead, it becomes a part of who you are, influencing your views, values, and the way you see the world.
How I Work with this Model in Therapy
In my sessions, I use this tree metaphor to support you in exploring your grief journey:
Acknowledging the Scar: We create a safe space to talk about your loss, to feel the depth of your grief without judgment. This is about honoring your full experience and the dreams you envisioned.
Nurturing the Tree: We focus on self-care strategies to help you cope with the day-to-day challenges of grief. This might involve various stress management techniques or finding ways to honor your baby's memory.
Encouraging New Growth: Together, we look for signs of resilience and personal growth. These might be small at first - a moment of laughter, a new interest, or reconnecting with a friend. We nurture these sprouts of new life.
Integration: We work on integrating your loss into your life story. This doesn't mean forgetting or "getting over it," but finding a way to carry your baby's memory with you as you continue to grow and even flourish.
Why This Model Can Be Helpful
The "Growing Around Grief" model can be particularly comforting for those who have experienced pregnancy or infant loss because:
It acknowledges that your loss is a significant, life-changing event.
It doesn't pressure you to "get over" your grief or expect the pain to diminish over time.
It recognizes that growth and grief can coexist.
It honors the ongoing connection you have with your baby.
Working with a Therapist
Grief, especially from pregnancy or infant loss, can feel isolating. Many find that friends and family, while well-meaning, may not fully understand the depth of their loss. Working with a therapist provides a space where your grief is fully acknowledged and supported.
As a therapist, my role is to:
Validate your experience, no matter how early your loss occurred
Help you find ways to express and process your grief
Support you in growing around your grief
Provide tools for managing difficult moments
Offer a non-judgmental ear for all your thoughts and feelings
Moving Forward
As you navigate your own journey, remember that growth doesn't erase loss—it honors it. Your tree will grow in its own way and at its own pace. There may be seasons of intense grief, and seasons where new growth feels more apparent. Both are normal and part of the natural process. In the new branches of your life, may you find unexpected strength, moments of peace, and a deepened capacity for love and connection.
Get in Touch
Talking to someone who gets it can help. Reach out to schedule a complimentary call to see if working together is a good fit.
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